The story of my Journey through the minefield of weightloss and personal discovery.

Monday, June 28, 2010

♪We want the funk, give up the funk♫

Well, it was the subject of Glee's episode this week and it's the subject of my week too.
I'll give it to you in a sentence "I'm in a FUNK" . . . "I'm feeling kinda ...FUNKY" . . . "I know I should be FUNKFUL ...well, ok, I made that up, but I think you get the drift!
I was writing in my journal the other night (still seems strange to me that I keep a journal AND a blog, lol) and I realised something- for over a year now, I have been writing to myself about how lost, directionless, rudderless, etc I feel. I feel depressed, lost. So I keep saying.
I talked to Skott about it and he pointed out to me something I thought I already knew but still didn't like having pointed out to me anyway- I eat to be in control. I feel like there are so many things out there that I can't control about my life, that what I put in my mouth is one thing I can.
Here's what I don't understand about my own logic. My weight makes me feel out of control. Other things in my life seem beyond my control. I eat to gain control, which has the effect of increasing my weight. Hence I feel more out of control. What I can't seem to make my brain understand is that I can control what I eat- regardless of whether that's healthy for me or not. But if I chose HEALTHY foods, then I lose weight, making me feel more in control of that too. However, I still chose unhealthy foods.
Skott suggested the reason I do that might be because I am punishing myself. Now, I have read a lot about that kind of thing. Feelings of low self esteem, not valuing yourself, feeling as though you don't deserve good things, so you eat and remain overweight and unhealthy because you don't think you deserve anything better.
I've never thought of myself in that way. As someone who subjected herself to culinary abuse. But I guess I do. Somewhere deep inside, I guess maybe I don't think I deserve to be happy and healthy.
I don't put myself first, because the last time I did that in my life I got it really, really wrong. It hurt a lot of people, especially my children. Which has made me feel very guilty. So guilty about putting myself first ever again. So I don't do it now, when I need to the most. Instead, I blame myself for what happened. I know it doesn't make sense to do that and that I harm no one other than myself, but I can't seem to help it anyway.
All of which has put my in a FUNK. I don't know how to get out of it. I have less than 11 months till the wedding and I need to find a way to "give up the funk".

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Iacta alea est

For some time now, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. Nothing obvious, just something that represented who I was. It was something that my bf's and I talked about years ago when we were all first doing WW. Getting matching tatts of butterflies, in the colour of our choice, with the chinese symbol for friendship in the middle. We never quite got around to it, but the idea of getting a tatt lingered in my mind for some years.

More recently, I've refined my ideas somewhat to something that was more about me. Something that better reflected my personality and my life's journey so far.

" iacta alea est " Latin, roughly, for "the die is cast". Over time, it's become better known as "let the dice fly". Essentially it means what's done is done, there's no going back. Julius Ceasar spoke the words to his troops just before he crossed the Rubicon in 49 AD. Back then, the Rubicon river formed one of the boundaries that marked out Rome proper. Crossing it with troops or paraphenalia of offiice was considered a declaration of war. Caesar did not want civil war, but he felt it had to be done. The Senate was refusing his requests. He felt as though he had no choice. He did what needed to be done and moved forward.

I've studied Roman history, in quite a bit of depth and studied Julius Caesar in particular. I've also learnt some Latin. A Latin phrase, particularly one from Caesar, suits me perfectly. Iacta Alea Est, in particular, suits me.

For me, there is no going back. There's only moving forward. I will not go back to being the unhealthy, overweight, unhappy person trapped in a relationship, a life, I can't stand. I will not go back to being the submissive person I was. I will move forward with my life, I will move on with courage and strength and the future will bring whatever it bring.

Iacta Alea Est

The Die is Cast

Thursday, June 3, 2010

First week back

A 600 gram loss this week. Not heaps, but decent. A loss is a loss, as they say. Now to keep up the momentum over the weekend, when I'm back in Sydney. Need to think up some more stuff to motivate me. I seem to be lacking anything at the moment.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Katers Resturant, where we will be holding our reception
Peppers Manor House, Bowral, NSW

The Gazebo on the grounds

Early morning sunlight, the view from our room in the Main House

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Begining of June and Partner Support

I didn't pay that much attention today to the fact that it was the first of June. I got up, ate porridge for breakfast, remember to take all my tablets, and exercised with the Wii for 20 min. I haven't done anything in such a long time, but I made up my mind last night that I would do something and so I did. I didn't really realise the significance of doing it on the first of the month though. Now that I have, I make a vow to myself that I will continue June the way that I started- eating healthy, tracking points and exercising.
My fiance and I have decided that we will get dressed first thing when we get up and walk the children to the bus stop (it's only about five minutes from us, so we usually don't go with them). After seeing them off our plan is to go for a walk around the neighbourhood and explore a bit. We live only two streets from the water now, so that seems like a good idea! We both want to get into shape, so he's more than happy to support my journey.
I've read a fair bit lately about the supportiveness (or lack thereof) of friends and partners. For myself I have come to realise how important a supportive partner is. Skott is wonderful- from agreeing to do the whole dinner and bath thing by himself one night a week so that I can go to the WW meetings, to enthusiastically eating and cooking the WW meals I plan, to being actively interested in my progress and willingly participating and supporting me in my attempts to get more physical. He doesn't have a weight problem, as such, but is limited by some health issues which have impacted on his previous robust health and physical condition. He's as keen as I am to look good on our wedding day and lead a healthier life, so he is incredibly supportive of my efforts.
Compared to my ex, who actively attempted to discourage me, belittled my weight loss efforts, refused to eat anything I cooked that was not to his specifications (quite limited), constantly told me that I would never lose weight with WW, and not at all unless I ran (his answer to everything). It was not like he was uber physical- he was thin, rarely ate and existed on a diet of fastfood and pot. His one claim to physical activity was doing a manual labour job for a while. Despite this, he still held himself out as an 'authority' on losing weight.
Not surprisingly, I didn't manage to lose a great deal of weight when I was with him. My first go at WW, several years ago when my sister got married, was successful. But as soon as that wedding was over, I had so much trouble trying to maintain the losses. Combined with a new job in a call centre and deep, deep depression arising from my abusive relationship, I was an emotional eating time bomb.
Now though, I feel so much more confident about myself, my abilities, my sexiness. Even though I am almost as heavy as I have ever been, I like myself so much more. The love of a good man has made a big difference to my life and having someone support me 110% makes all the difference to my emotions and hence my desire to take care of myself by eating well and exercising.