The story of my Journey through the minefield of weightloss and personal discovery.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Finding Nemo . . . I mean mojo!

Yes, I am trying to find my mojo again. I had a whopping 1.9 gain when I got on the scales after a fortnight absent from WW meetings. At least I stood up to be counted for it.
I have been tracking sporadically, trying to remember to do it, but I'm mostly forgetting.
I am trying to get back into it by taking it meal at a time, day at a time. For the last two days (I've got to start sometime!) I having been making good food choices, including more fruit and trying to get moving a bit more.
I've been playing netball with my daughter, just throwing the ball and running around a bit and getting on my exercise bike. Just a few minutes at a time- my bum gets too sore for more than that!
I am also trying to take better care of myself on the outside. Manicures, stuff to help my nails get stronger, facials, got a haircut for the first time in months and months the other day. Just little things, but they do help my self esteem.
I'm also trying to remember to drink my water and take my vitamins.
I just keep thinking, so much time has passed since the start of this year. If I had just stuck at it, day by day, I would be a lot lighter by now. Do I really want the next six months to go by the same way as well?
If I focus on each meal at a time, maybe I can lose some of the overwhelming feeling I have at the task ahead of me.
One day, one minute, one meal at a time.

Monday, June 28, 2010

♪We want the funk, give up the funk♫

Well, it was the subject of Glee's episode this week and it's the subject of my week too.
I'll give it to you in a sentence "I'm in a FUNK" . . . "I'm feeling kinda ...FUNKY" . . . "I know I should be FUNKFUL ...well, ok, I made that up, but I think you get the drift!
I was writing in my journal the other night (still seems strange to me that I keep a journal AND a blog, lol) and I realised something- for over a year now, I have been writing to myself about how lost, directionless, rudderless, etc I feel. I feel depressed, lost. So I keep saying.
I talked to Skott about it and he pointed out to me something I thought I already knew but still didn't like having pointed out to me anyway- I eat to be in control. I feel like there are so many things out there that I can't control about my life, that what I put in my mouth is one thing I can.
Here's what I don't understand about my own logic. My weight makes me feel out of control. Other things in my life seem beyond my control. I eat to gain control, which has the effect of increasing my weight. Hence I feel more out of control. What I can't seem to make my brain understand is that I can control what I eat- regardless of whether that's healthy for me or not. But if I chose HEALTHY foods, then I lose weight, making me feel more in control of that too. However, I still chose unhealthy foods.
Skott suggested the reason I do that might be because I am punishing myself. Now, I have read a lot about that kind of thing. Feelings of low self esteem, not valuing yourself, feeling as though you don't deserve good things, so you eat and remain overweight and unhealthy because you don't think you deserve anything better.
I've never thought of myself in that way. As someone who subjected herself to culinary abuse. But I guess I do. Somewhere deep inside, I guess maybe I don't think I deserve to be happy and healthy.
I don't put myself first, because the last time I did that in my life I got it really, really wrong. It hurt a lot of people, especially my children. Which has made me feel very guilty. So guilty about putting myself first ever again. So I don't do it now, when I need to the most. Instead, I blame myself for what happened. I know it doesn't make sense to do that and that I harm no one other than myself, but I can't seem to help it anyway.
All of which has put my in a FUNK. I don't know how to get out of it. I have less than 11 months till the wedding and I need to find a way to "give up the funk".

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Iacta alea est

For some time now, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. Nothing obvious, just something that represented who I was. It was something that my bf's and I talked about years ago when we were all first doing WW. Getting matching tatts of butterflies, in the colour of our choice, with the chinese symbol for friendship in the middle. We never quite got around to it, but the idea of getting a tatt lingered in my mind for some years.

More recently, I've refined my ideas somewhat to something that was more about me. Something that better reflected my personality and my life's journey so far.

" iacta alea est " Latin, roughly, for "the die is cast". Over time, it's become better known as "let the dice fly". Essentially it means what's done is done, there's no going back. Julius Ceasar spoke the words to his troops just before he crossed the Rubicon in 49 AD. Back then, the Rubicon river formed one of the boundaries that marked out Rome proper. Crossing it with troops or paraphenalia of offiice was considered a declaration of war. Caesar did not want civil war, but he felt it had to be done. The Senate was refusing his requests. He felt as though he had no choice. He did what needed to be done and moved forward.

I've studied Roman history, in quite a bit of depth and studied Julius Caesar in particular. I've also learnt some Latin. A Latin phrase, particularly one from Caesar, suits me perfectly. Iacta Alea Est, in particular, suits me.

For me, there is no going back. There's only moving forward. I will not go back to being the unhealthy, overweight, unhappy person trapped in a relationship, a life, I can't stand. I will not go back to being the submissive person I was. I will move forward with my life, I will move on with courage and strength and the future will bring whatever it bring.

Iacta Alea Est

The Die is Cast

Thursday, June 3, 2010

First week back

A 600 gram loss this week. Not heaps, but decent. A loss is a loss, as they say. Now to keep up the momentum over the weekend, when I'm back in Sydney. Need to think up some more stuff to motivate me. I seem to be lacking anything at the moment.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Katers Resturant, where we will be holding our reception
Peppers Manor House, Bowral, NSW

The Gazebo on the grounds

Early morning sunlight, the view from our room in the Main House

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Begining of June and Partner Support

I didn't pay that much attention today to the fact that it was the first of June. I got up, ate porridge for breakfast, remember to take all my tablets, and exercised with the Wii for 20 min. I haven't done anything in such a long time, but I made up my mind last night that I would do something and so I did. I didn't really realise the significance of doing it on the first of the month though. Now that I have, I make a vow to myself that I will continue June the way that I started- eating healthy, tracking points and exercising.
My fiance and I have decided that we will get dressed first thing when we get up and walk the children to the bus stop (it's only about five minutes from us, so we usually don't go with them). After seeing them off our plan is to go for a walk around the neighbourhood and explore a bit. We live only two streets from the water now, so that seems like a good idea! We both want to get into shape, so he's more than happy to support my journey.
I've read a fair bit lately about the supportiveness (or lack thereof) of friends and partners. For myself I have come to realise how important a supportive partner is. Skott is wonderful- from agreeing to do the whole dinner and bath thing by himself one night a week so that I can go to the WW meetings, to enthusiastically eating and cooking the WW meals I plan, to being actively interested in my progress and willingly participating and supporting me in my attempts to get more physical. He doesn't have a weight problem, as such, but is limited by some health issues which have impacted on his previous robust health and physical condition. He's as keen as I am to look good on our wedding day and lead a healthier life, so he is incredibly supportive of my efforts.
Compared to my ex, who actively attempted to discourage me, belittled my weight loss efforts, refused to eat anything I cooked that was not to his specifications (quite limited), constantly told me that I would never lose weight with WW, and not at all unless I ran (his answer to everything). It was not like he was uber physical- he was thin, rarely ate and existed on a diet of fastfood and pot. His one claim to physical activity was doing a manual labour job for a while. Despite this, he still held himself out as an 'authority' on losing weight.
Not surprisingly, I didn't manage to lose a great deal of weight when I was with him. My first go at WW, several years ago when my sister got married, was successful. But as soon as that wedding was over, I had so much trouble trying to maintain the losses. Combined with a new job in a call centre and deep, deep depression arising from my abusive relationship, I was an emotional eating time bomb.
Now though, I feel so much more confident about myself, my abilities, my sexiness. Even though I am almost as heavy as I have ever been, I like myself so much more. The love of a good man has made a big difference to my life and having someone support me 110% makes all the difference to my emotions and hence my desire to take care of myself by eating well and exercising.

Monday, May 31, 2010

End of May

My journey hasn't really been much of a minefield, has it? More like molehills, I think! I'm feeling in a really strange place at the moment. I am going back to meetings, since I really do want to be thinner for the wedding, but I am finding it hard to do the things I know I need to in order to lose weight.
About the only thing I've discovered about myself lately is that I am pretty lazy! I just cannot seem to find the energy to do anything. Each night I say to myself, ok, tomorrow's a new new day, get out there, do something, ANYTHING to get it started.
I think a part of the problem is that I don't like to push myself into uncomfortable situations. I don't like that whole sweaty, sore, out of breath feeling that goes with pushing myself to exercise. I don't like things that make me aware of my body or how big and ungainly it is. *Sigh* I know I feel better when I exercise, but faced with the option of sitting down to my studies or going out in the rain, I find it easier and easier to move less. This scares me a bit (although ironically not enough to inspire me), because I could become totally stationary so easily.
So I'm now 111.6kg. Not quite where I was when I started in January, but not far off, either. Still faaaaar away from where I want to be. I'm also finding my depression a bit harder to cope with too. Its been raining almost all day every day for the last couple of weeks, and I'm finding it so demotivating. *Blergh* I'm annoying even myself with the whinging!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

One year and One day

That's how long I have till the wedding :)

Wow, it's been almost two months since I last updated my blog. So much has happened in that time.

My fiance and I moved in together, we've booked the ceremony and reception, I'm back into my TAFE stuff . . . actually, that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's taken me a REALLY long time to get through it all (especially the moving stuff!). For about a month we went back and forth between three houses, trying to get everything moved and set up in our new house. We still have some boxes to go, but mostly, we are done. Changing all our details to reflect the move was also a big pain- I wonder if they do that to put you off?

We've been to stay out at Peppers Manor House, in Bowral NSW, where we are going to have our reception. I'll post some pics soon. It was beautiful, as is the church where we'll be getting married. We are having a "High Tea" reception, lots of little cakes, sandwiches and cups of tea. And scones with jam and cream, of course! I can't wait, I'm so excited, but at least I've got 12 months to try to get closer to my goal weight. I don't want to be any more than a size 14 when I get married, so I've got a lot of work to do between now and then. I forsee a lot of exercise in my immediate future!

Hope my "followers" are doing well in their journies.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tears, Tantrums and Triumphs

Oh man, don't you jsut hate it when you lose a long entry? Grrr

A lot has happened in the last month and I've been so busy. In no particular order, here's what I've been up to:

I got engaged! My partner went down n bended knee over Tiramisu and asked my to marry him. I knew it was coming but it was still such a lovely moment, one I will always treasure. He designed and arranged himself a BEAUTIFUL engagement ring and I was so thrilled and teary. Wedding plans, here we come!

My baby sister arrived from England, in time for my nephew's first birthday and combined Naming Day. I've gotten to spend a fair bit of time with her in the last couple of weeks and I will be very sad to see her go back home next week.

My ex has been hugely problematic- leading to an explosion of emotional eating which resulted in a 1.8 kilo gain. I've tried to work it off, but I don't think I've been too successful.

My fiance and I had wonderful news today- we got a call from the estate agent advising us that our application had been accepted, so now we have a home to move into together and start our lives as a family. We are so excited, but now begins to enormous task of combining two home into one new on. Exciting and thrilling as that is, we still have two major moves ahead.

Not a lot of time for finding me within lately and not much in the next few weeks as we work back to the walls to get everything arranged.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I had one of those last night. No, I didn't need to use the toilet after! lol

I have often said that I don't like change. Thrown me out of my rutt and I get very narky. Make me move desks at work and I won't talk to you for a month. Tell me that my plans need to change and I freak out. I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. For me, change has always been bad. All the major (and some not so major) changes in my life have either been negative or have been accompanied by negative contexts. Things that should have been good but, for some reason, didn't work out to be.

My epiphany last night was- not liking change includes not liking or wanting to change my lifestyle habits. Losing weight means changing my lifestyle. Changing. And I hate change. No wonder I feel so resentful toward my efforts to lose weight- because they mean I have to change. And I don't want to change. I don't want to stay overweight, but I don't want to have to change my lifestyle to achieve a healthy weight.

Why? Well, my ephiphany unfortunately didn't include some momentous revelation of why and how to overcome it! Thinking about it, my best guess is because if I change, if I make my whole life different and achieve a goal weight, what guarantee do I have that my depression will have lifted and I will, finally, feel happy with my life. What if I change and the result is still negative?? I am *gasp* "happy" being lazy, because it allows me to wallow in my depression and not have to confront the things in my life that need to change (there's that word again) and the things that I need to accept responsibility for. Phew! That's a lot of self revelation.

So my next dilema is, what do I do now? How do I take this information and transform it into something I can use so that I can get myself back on track and being ok with making the changes that I need to live a healthier, happier version of me?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I initially started this post as something quite different, but I don't think I want to go there after all.

I have had a really bad week. VERY emotional. I have learnt that I am not at a point yet where I am controlling my emotional eating when I am faced with the really big stuff.

My weekend was 50/50. Friday night and Saturday were great. I got to go this weekend to Sydney to be with my partner. Yay. By Saturday night though, my emotions were in total haywire.

See, I suffer from depression and one significant trigger for me is how I feel about being a mother. There are many things that as a parent I feel like I have failed in. I am living at home with my parents, and my three children, while I try to finish my degree. I have moved here a year ago because I could no longer afford to live by myself in Sydney. My children have problems- my youngest has ADHD, which emotionally I blame myself for even though logically I know I am not to blame. My eldest son has emotional and anger issues because of the abuse he suffered from his step father and he is very resentful toward me for a lot of the time. I cannot put a roof over their heads without support and it makes me feel vulnerable and like a failure. Each of children has some sort of emotional problem and most of the time I feel like these are my fault. I am not helped by either of my ex's, both of whom are quick to point out that yes, I am at fault (for everything, apparently, including my ex's drug habit, because I nagged him!).

This weekend we had a visit from a friend of my partner's who is in a positon, through luck, to be able to assist us financially somewhat. It's great, I'm so grateful, but I also feel resentful. I know that sounds ungrateful, but it brings up so many feelings of inadequacy for me. She has asked my partner what he needs to get ahead with things. The honest answer to that is "a house of our own" (for a variety of reasons, which I wont go into now, but lets just say that my parnter's condition basically makes that dream an impossibility by our own). Obviosuly, its not something we can say to her. It's a very genuine need, but not possible to raise with her. I mean, you can't just ask someone to buy you a house, right? The thing is, I really, REALLY want to, even though I know its totally inappropriate. See, it taps into all those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and failure. I want so badly to tell my partner to ask, because our own property would solve SO MANY problems for us.

So ontop of feeling like this, I received an email from my eldest son, telling me that his dad is putting the pressure on him to go and live there. It makes me soooooo angry, because he has studiously avoided any real interaction in our son's life, from responsible parenting, to financial issues, to time spent with him, my ex has done everything he can to get out of it. Now though, he wants him. Now, when most of his raising is done. Now, when he is easy to look after. Now, when I commence full time work as a lawyer next year and suddenly start earning a lot more money then I have so far. I was devastated by the email. I experienced my first, all out anxiety attack and it wasn't pleasant. My son was so stressed and freaked out, no idea what he wanted to do, he felt like he couldn't not say no to his dad because if he did, he was worried his dad would freak out and not want him there anymore. Thing is, my ex is such a pathetic piece of **** that it's possbile he might just do that. I try to reassure my son that his dad will never stop loving him, but we both know without a doubt how petty his dad can sometimes be.

My son said that my ex has told him he thinks he can do a better job raising him now, because he can put a roof over his head and has money for things (an interesting statement because he has told the Child Support Agency that he only earns a really small amount of money each year- so I don't see how he can provide better?).

Anyway, it pretty much hit every insecurity that I have, leaving me to feel gutted. Am I such a failure if I can't even offer my kids a sense of security? So I have eaten, a lot, even though I know that I will regret those choices once I step on the scales. I have not tracked, not exercised and the weight of my depression is bearing back down on me again. Last week I felt so confident that I was making the right changes, in the right mind set, but now, I feel lost, lonely and like a failure at the one thing that means the most to me- being a mother.

How do I get it back on track??

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I have felt since I restarted at WW that this time was somehow different to previous attempts. I felt more focused, more willing, less resentful of the changes I would need to make. I realised the other day that this is also having flow on effects to other areas of my life. I am tidier. Busier doing things rather than sitting down all day. More oganised. Less tolerant of allowing myself to be slack. Happier to be exercising. More settled and pratical. Its very strange for me to feel like I am pulling my life together. I have tried that for so long without success that I think I had convinced myself that I COULDN'T achieve those things. But now, I am doing it. I feel proud and happy with myself, two emotions I didn't think I was capable of anymore. I've had a few wonky days recently, but they haven't thrown me off track. Every morning I wake up, it's a new day and I have a new attitude. I am happy for this mindset, but I find it somewhat peculiar because I have tried so hard to get there before, but haven't. I can't pinpoint why I have it now, I just do. It's the same thoughts and feelings I had the first time round. A quiet confidence that this is something that I will achieve.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

100 Grams

That's all. At least it got me to an even 4kg lost now. I knew it wasn't going to be a big loss, but still . . . .
My aim this week- more exercise. And get my emotional eating back under control.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


WI tomorrow for me. I am not sure how I will go this week. I have been good, sticking to my points, I haven't done as much exercise as I would like, because I have had a headache almost every day this week. I don't know why. Nothing I take makes it go away and it's left me feeling very drained and lethargic. I have been eating well and drinking lots of water, so I know its not that. Normally I only get headaches at TTOTM, but I'm not even due for another week or so. I just want it to go away.
I had one lapse this week, last night, as a matter of fact. After a stressful couple of days, I was doing really well and not letting the need for emotional eating get to me, but last night I 'broke the seal' as it were. I opened the packet of choc chips that I have there for baking and ate most of the packet! Aaarrrggghhh. It made me feel sooooo sick. And this morning I was so nauseous, I am sure it was because of the big chocolate hit. So I won't be doing that again! It's the main reason why I feel that any loss I have this week will be minimal. Besides, I know I can't expect the large losses to last forever, so I figure I am about due for things to slow down. That's ok though, because in general, my thinking on this is so different this time round. If it slows down, ok, I feel so much better eating healthy anyway, so I won't stop that now I've begun.
Off to do some Wii now that I have finally made the headache receede enough!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Another kilo down!

Well, I jumped on the scales this morning to register another lost kilo. REALLY happy about that though I'm finding it strange to weigh in at home, instead of a meeting. Somehow, the scales at a meeting always seemed so much more truthful. Mine seem . . . friendly. Too friendly. I weigh in at the same time, same day every week, but for some reason, I'm not sure I trust the numbers. I have no reason not to, just . . . years of never really believing I can do WW for more than two weeks before the "Week 3 Wobbles" hit, and having a gain that week, have made me sceptical. However, I'm starting to believe that this time, maybe I CAN do it. This time has always felt a little different, but now I'm starting to believe.
Achieved my Wii goal yesterday- got it all set up and did the first day of the 30 Day Challenge. I am sore today for it, but that's ok, coz I figure that's how I know it worked. I will have today off, then go again tomorrow.
One of the other posts talked about obsession with WW, tracking, being on the boards etc. I know that feeling. Every time I do WW, I go through the same thing. This week has felt out of the ordinary for me- with the youngest home for two days with impetigo and my daughter off to her Yr 7/11 Peer Support camp. I haven't been doing much- after two months of not having a single moment to myself, I spent yesterday relaxing with a good bok and today is panning out the same. Although I am not going to spend all day today reading! Next week should hopefully see a return to all things normal- kids all back at school, five days of the week stretching out ahead of me, so I will really need to focus on NOT being obsessive with my WW stuff. I need to do some work on my TAFE Certificate and do some reading for next Semester's uni courses. I need to focus on exercise, but also on keeping the place tidy. I can't think properly and I get depressed easily when my surroundings are all messed up. I need to be aware of that.

Monday, February 1, 2010

These are some of the images I found to stick on my 'inspiration board'. They are things that catpure my imagination and speak to me about who I am.

A strange thing happened when I was trying to compile this. I realised, I don't know what I want to look like at goal. I don't know who I want to be, how I want to dress, what kind of things I will be doing. That was pretty weird. I still don't know for sure, but I've made a start and I will hopefully be able to add to this as I go.

For now, here are some things that I know inspire me.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Week 3 Wobbles

I have titled this post in this way because it reflects what I go through every 'week 3' on the program. Not every third week, every Week 3. By now I am starting to get bored again of fruit and veggies all the time. I include ok 'sometimes foods' (low points ones) but I start to really miss junk foods and other 'bad' stuff. But I don't want to eat it, because I know that I will really go off the rails if I do. I stop tracking as religiously and get a wee bit over logging on and haunting the boards so much. See, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.
It's a challenge for me. One thing I need to learn is how to overcome the mistakes of the past, and in the past I've always gone at this at two speeds- flat out, or not at all. This time round, I know I need to try and balance that out a little. I need to be ok with not getting on the boards 24/7, I need to make myself track regularly, but not have it consume me totally. I need to keep in mind that this is about making changes for life, not making changes for the short term.
Last week I lost .7, which brings my total for two weeks to 2.9. I don't want to undo that by letting the wobbles take over now and resulting in a gain. I don't care what the scales show me this week, as long as its a loss, that's all I care about.
I have decided to try a different form of visualisation this time round. I bought myself a piece of cardboard today and I plan to stick all sorts of inspiring things to it. It's to help me remember to focus on my goals and remember why its important to me that I don't backslide and fall into a rutt again. I'll post some pics when it's done!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chicken Drumsticks, Orange Peel and Salty Water

Sounds like a fab recipe for something, doesn't it? Actually, it just sums up my beach outing today- chicken drumsticks (me, my legs), orange peel (ditto) and salty ocean water.
After convicing my sister that I didn't care how others saw me on the beach, I waded far enough into the water for it to hit my waist. Since I am waaaay more bottom heavy than top (though my arms are pretty big too!) I felt comfortable with the bottom half of me in the water.
See, half my problem with sticking to a weight loss program is that my body image is so warped. I did not grow up overwieght. I was a perfectly healthy 12-14 till I had my first child. Although that was nearly 15 years ago now, I sometimes think my brain is still stuck pre-baby mode. Then, when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or a refelection in a window, I always get a shock. So, thinking I don't look as unhealthy as I really do, I go about eating whatever I want and never exercising (thankfully that's changed now, though). It was something of a reality slap to come home and jump straight into the shower to wash myself and my cossie off and see myself in the mirror, realising that's what everybody else on the beach saw. Don't care, be damned.
Glad I am doing something about it now.

Major Frustration

Thankfully, it has nothing to do with my weight loss or how its going.
I am back home again, with the kids, although I have a buffer in that my family are also here. I have been playing with my nieces and my little newphew, who at 10 mos is just gorgeous.
My frustration arises from my internet connection, which decided to disappear in the month I was away from home. I have a teeny incy laptop I am using, which picks up the network, but my main computer doesn't. Aaarrggh. Means I have not been able to do all the things I normally would online and I am feeling a bit lost without it!
Food choices have been great this week, I am happy regardless of what the scales might say. I have been making healthy choices easily and I'm happy about that. Don't know how long it will last, so I'm enjoying it for now, lol! :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Week 1 loss

Woo Hoo, a loss of 2.2. Makes me very happy. I know I won't continue with those numbers though, so I need to mentally prepare myself for smaller losses and not let them throw me off the wagon.

Ready for Autumn Goals, here I come!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Emotional Eating

Today was a day of challenges. Well, one challenge really, but it was a big one. My sister called me this morning to tell me that my Dad was in hospital. He'd had a heart attack. Luckily it wasn't too bad, his heart did not suffer and a couple of stents unblocked the artery. It was still a pretty big scare but.

In the past, emotional eating would have gotten the better of me. Today however, when I thought about eating chocolate, I was really surprised to find that the thought was almost immediately followed by a sense of horror. That was how my Dad ended up with a heart attack, by being overweight and having poor dietary habits. Did I want to go down the same path? I realised that this was a perfect opportunity to do things differently from the past. I knew I would be at the hospital for a while, so I bought a Sustagen drink and an apple. It kept me going till I got home again and had a proper sandwich for lunch (at 3pm)!

I am not foolish enough to think that I have kicked the emotional eating bug bear for good, but one of my habits to change is to learn from the past. Today, I proved to myself that I could do that. I could make different choices, ones that didn't include fatty foods. I chose food (from a servo!) based on what choices would be best to get me through the next fews hours and stave off a vending machine binge. I came home, very hungry, but rather than reach for the nearst and easiest thing to stuff in my mouth, I took the time to make a healthy sandwich that would sustain me properly. In all, I showed myself that eating properly, and being proud of that, could sustain me emotionally for far longer than the chocolate hit could before the guilt struck. I guess it really brings home the saying that "nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels".

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Leura Cascades

We went to Leura today, to do the bushwalk. We wanted to do Leura Cascades to Bridal Veil Falls, but just did the Leura one, which was hard enough!! Lots of steps and walking. It was very tiring but I really enjoyed it. The views were beautiful. I earnt 5 bonus points (not that I'm eating them). The kids loved it, there was not as many complaints about all the steps as I expected.

Only downside to the day is my hayfever, which is SERIOUSLY playing up. I feel dreadful. Nose blocked, face aching, head sore. Early night for me, I think. Anyways, here's a couple of pics of our day.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Getting back in the swing

I am finding it a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. I am tracking points, but I forgot how easily points add up. Even when you're eating healthy foods, the points can rack up easily. I am used to eating more throughout the day and I'm finding it hard to go with smaller meals. I am also finding it hard to ignore the non hunger related desire to eat, especially this time of night, when I normally go on a bit of a binge eat.

One of the things I learnt about changing habits is that I really need to learn from past attempts/mistakes. For me, that means really recognising that night time is a danger time. Which is why I am posting so much at night! lol. The other habit I need to work on is getting a handle on my emotional eating. While I am with my partner, I don't seem to have 'emotional problems' but getting back home, I know I will face that hurdle again.

I have been exercising some more, walking most nights with my partner and the kids. Today we went to the park (not that I did much) and tomorrow we are going on a bushwalk at Leura, to see the waterfalls. I am trying to get myself into a headspace where I keep up with the exercise once I get home. I don't necessarily like how I feel when I'm sweating, breathing hard and hurting (though I like that I am doing something) but I do love how it feels to come home and relax. I like that my muscles feel used and twitchy.

I am trying hard to also hit my fruit, veggies and water. I seem to constantly be achieving two out of three each day. My other mini goal for myself this week was to get proper sleep, but that hasn't been working to well. Still too many late nights, but not as bad as before. Seems to be playing havoc a bit with my digestive system.

I look forward to stepping on the scales this week and seeing what a difference it has all made.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Australian Reptile Park

What a day!! It was huge, it was long, it was tiring, but it was GREAT!! My partner, who absolutley adores ALL reptiles and arachnids, was in heaven, my kids had a ball and I loved spending the day with my family. I wish my 14 year old had joined us, but he's with his Dad and he rejected a day out in favour of sleeping in and computer time :(

The park is awesome. Anyone who is in the Sydney/Newcastle area (or visiting), I would STRONGLY recommend a visit. Clean, well organised and not too pricey ($61 for a family of four). You can bring your own food, use the bbq's or buy there.

My food choices turned out to be not so great- 33 for the day by the time I entered it into my tracker! lol. I thought I did ok, chicken and salad for lunch, multigrain roll, egg, grapes, low fat muffin made at home, chocolate drumstick ice cream 'treat', two coffees and pizza for dinner when we got home because we were all so tired (and I only had two slices). I was a bit shocked at how much it added up to, it goes to show you how easy it is to overeat and how unaware of my food and choices I am at the moment. Only good thing was the amount of walking we did- all over the exhibits, the park, the bush walks and standing around watching the shows. My calves ache today, a sure sign they were used more than normal! lol

Today I will be much more aware of my food choices. A quiet day at home, tidying and doing washing etc, I am much more aware of water intake and food. Salads and fruit!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I did it!!

Rejoined WW today- online this time, since meetings were not convenient or practical. So I've picked a method that hopefully will be, making it easier for me to stay on track.

I bought a 'motivational tool' today- the WW weight tracker scales. They were pricey- $100, but worth it as they track everything, weight loss, BMI, bone density, fat mass, water levels, heaps of stuff. Since I wont be attending a meeting, I am hoping that this will make it easy and motivating to track my weight.

I feel good about my decision (though I am feeling a bit off in general- easy not to eat too much when your tummy feels queasy!) I know that it won't be easy, that I get lazy and bored easily with WW and with slow weight loss in general, so I need this time to learn from past experiences and do things differently. Someone has as their signature on the WW boards an Einstein quote- "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result" (or something like that!) so this time, I am determined not to be insane, lol.

Actually, I feel a bit like it's do or die time. Either this time I make it work, or I never will. I have nothing to back up this feeling except that I have done this so many times before and not stuck with it, that I think I need to do something differently or I wont ever find the gumption to make it happen. This is my last year of uni, at the end of this year I will be looking for full time work. Although I'd like to think that my weight was not an issue in obtaining a job, I don't want to be doubting myself from the outset because I don't feel confident about myself or how I look. I know I am capable of the job I want, but I need to feel confident in myself. I am going to be a lawyer, it's a high profile, tough environment to begin with, without doubting myself over my weight.

Tomorrow we are off the the Australian Reptile Park at Gosford, a fun day full of reptiles, spiders and koalas, and LOTS of walking round the park. I promise to post photos!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ready for Autumn

I have added a new column to the right side- called "Ready for Autumn Challenge", it records the WW challenge I have joined, to reach a specific goal for Autumn.

I had a little success today. I had to see my ex when I picked up my kids, not always a very good experience and something that usually sends me heading for my nearest chocolate bar! Today, though, I didn't. I came home and had a sandwich for lunch and ignored the suger cravings till my anger and frustration passed.

I am such an emotional eater- name the emotion, I'll eat to it. Happy, sad, bored, frustrated, angry, restless, stressed, anxious, anything. The only time I don't eat is when I'm 'glowy' in love- you know, the first month or so of a new relationship. Once I get settled, my regular habits kick in. Unfortunately (?, for weightloss, anyway!) I don't fall in love every day, though I do realise every day just how much I love my OH, so I need to work on an alternative to emotional eating.

I am going to buy a yoga dvd and meditation cd, hopefully if I practice my yoga daily, (which I used to), I will find a certain calm and peace that helps me get through. Planning, I know, is a key for me, but I'm not the most organised person and I find it hard to keep an interest in planning, etc for more than two weeks. Something else I need to work on.

It's a start, right, that I can identify the things I need to change??

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Blogedy blog blog

For someone who didn't know what to say at first, I've really found my voice, haven't I??

A big hello to my new followers, seems kinda weird to think that people might read my ramblings! I hope you find something useful/inspiring here.

I have decided to rejoin WW. I have spent most of the day reading other people's blogs and stories and its really motivated me to DO something about my weight and my lifestyle.

I tried to set up my Wii character the other night, only to find that I left the cruical leg strap at home. It didn't work very well without it. Nevermind, I will fix it when I get home. I enjoyed what I did and it gives me confidence to set it up and make a start when I get back.

Now I just need to work on setting some goals. I have vauge ideas of what I want (lose weight, get fit, feel better, emotionally and physically etc), but I want to break it down to monthly goals.

Time to get my thinking cap on!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Do I, Dont I? Will I, won't I?

I'm hovering over the idea of rejoining WW again. I have joined so many times, only to lose interest by about February. Thing is, I know WW works, I've done it before, but before it was new, exciting and different. I know now what needs to be done, but making myself stick with it is really hard.

I consider all the reasons (excuses!) I haven't succeeded before:
  • I have no time for tracking and planning (lies, lies, I know I have the time, but I make myself busy doing nothing!)
  • It's boring (but so is staying home all the time and never going
    anywhere because I don't feel comfortable!!)
  • I have depression (but I know that if I exercise more, not only will that help lose weight, but it will help me depression)
  • I feel lonely, lost and isolated and that feeds my depression and comfort
  • I AM BORED. There are so many things I want from my life but seem
    unable to get (right away, anyway) and I have no patience, so even though I know time inexorably marches on, if I can't have it now, I get shitty, so I stagnate and do nothing and that's BORING!! (EXCUSES!!)

None of them really amounts to anything that would really stop me, but finding a way around that mental block is harder than I thought.

So, do I join AGAIN or not? I think I want to. . . .

Off now to create my Wii Active character finally.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A New Day

Almost 24 hours later and I still have no idea what I want to say! Its weird, and scary, trying to think of some intersting witticisms to fill my blog with. Unlike my diary, where I write till my heart's content, never worrying about its content, my blog is something I may someday make public and that makes me so much more aware of what I'm typing.

Skott suggested the title for me. When I asked him for ideas, he asked me what the blog was for. I told him it would be about my weight loss journey. It feels funny, uncomfortable and weird to put that out there. Weight, loss or gain, is such a private thing, that it goes against my nature to publicise it. I feel . . . embarassed, strange. But I'm hoping it also makes me feel more accountable for what I do. Like, if the whole world is watching, reading (how can the whole world be? I've not made it public . . . nevermind), then maybe I will be more mindful, more aware this time. I feel as though this will be the last chance I have, but I don't know why.

Anyhow, the point about the title, I realised later, is that 'finding me within' is not just about weight loss. Finding myself also relates to the journey I started a year ago, but placed on hold. The struggle to find myself, who I am and how I fit in my world. So even though the point of my blog is weight loss, I think my journey will be about alot more than that.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Start

I have created this blog and now I have no idea what I want to say. The whole world is listening and for once, I have no words!