I initially started this post as something quite different, but I don't think I want to go there after all.
I have had a really bad week. VERY emotional. I have learnt that I am not at a point yet where I am controlling my emotional eating when I am faced with the really big stuff.
My weekend was 50/50. Friday night and Saturday were great. I got to go this weekend to Sydney to be with my partner. Yay. By Saturday night though, my emotions were in total haywire.
See, I suffer from depression and one significant trigger for me is how I feel about being a mother. There are many things that as a parent I feel like I have failed in. I am living at home with my parents, and my three children, while I try to finish my degree. I have moved here a year ago because I could no longer afford to live by myself in Sydney. My children have problems- my youngest has ADHD, which emotionally I blame myself for even though logically I know I am not to blame. My eldest son has emotional and anger issues because of the abuse he suffered from his step father and he is very resentful toward me for a lot of the time. I cannot put a roof over their heads without support and it makes me feel vulnerable and like a failure. Each of children has some sort of emotional problem and most of the time I feel like these are my fault. I am not helped by either of my ex's, both of whom are quick to point out that yes, I am at fault (for everything, apparently, including my ex's drug habit, because I nagged him!).
This weekend we had a visit from a friend of my partner's who is in a positon, through luck, to be able to assist us financially somewhat. It's great, I'm so grateful, but I also feel resentful. I know that sounds ungrateful, but it brings up so many feelings of inadequacy for me. She has asked my partner what he needs to get ahead with things. The honest answer to that is "a house of our own" (for a variety of reasons, which I wont go into now, but lets just say that my parnter's condition basically makes that dream an impossibility by our own). Obviosuly, its not something we can say to her. It's a very genuine need, but not possible to raise with her. I mean, you can't just ask someone to buy you a house, right? The thing is, I really, REALLY want to, even though I know its totally inappropriate. See, it taps into all those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and failure. I want so badly to tell my partner to ask, because our own property would solve SO MANY problems for us.
So ontop of feeling like this, I received an email from my eldest son, telling me that his dad is putting the pressure on him to go and live there. It makes me soooooo angry, because he has studiously avoided any real interaction in our son's life, from responsible parenting, to financial issues, to time spent with him, my ex has done everything he can to get out of it. Now though, he wants him. Now, when most of his raising is done. Now, when he is easy to look after. Now, when I commence full time work as a lawyer next year and suddenly start earning a lot more money then I have so far. I was devastated by the email. I experienced my first, all out anxiety attack and it wasn't pleasant. My son was so stressed and freaked out, no idea what he wanted to do, he felt like he couldn't not say no to his dad because if he did, he was worried his dad would freak out and not want him there anymore. Thing is, my ex is such a pathetic piece of **** that it's possbile he might just do that. I try to reassure my son that his dad will never stop loving him, but we both know without a doubt how petty his dad can sometimes be.
My son said that my ex has told him he thinks he can do a better job raising him now, because he can put a roof over his head and has money for things (an interesting statement because he has told the Child Support Agency that he only earns a really small amount of money each year- so I don't see how he can provide better?).
Anyway, it pretty much hit every insecurity that I have, leaving me to feel gutted. Am I such a failure if I can't even offer my kids a sense of security? So I have eaten, a lot, even though I know that I will regret those choices once I step on the scales. I have not tracked, not exercised and the weight of my depression is bearing back down on me again. Last week I felt so confident that I was making the right changes, in the right mind set, but now, I feel lost, lonely and like a failure at the one thing that means the most to me- being a mother.
How do I get it back on track??