The story of my Journey through the minefield of weightloss and personal discovery.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Week 3 Wobbles

I have titled this post in this way because it reflects what I go through every 'week 3' on the program. Not every third week, every Week 3. By now I am starting to get bored again of fruit and veggies all the time. I include ok 'sometimes foods' (low points ones) but I start to really miss junk foods and other 'bad' stuff. But I don't want to eat it, because I know that I will really go off the rails if I do. I stop tracking as religiously and get a wee bit over logging on and haunting the boards so much. See, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.
It's a challenge for me. One thing I need to learn is how to overcome the mistakes of the past, and in the past I've always gone at this at two speeds- flat out, or not at all. This time round, I know I need to try and balance that out a little. I need to be ok with not getting on the boards 24/7, I need to make myself track regularly, but not have it consume me totally. I need to keep in mind that this is about making changes for life, not making changes for the short term.
Last week I lost .7, which brings my total for two weeks to 2.9. I don't want to undo that by letting the wobbles take over now and resulting in a gain. I don't care what the scales show me this week, as long as its a loss, that's all I care about.
I have decided to try a different form of visualisation this time round. I bought myself a piece of cardboard today and I plan to stick all sorts of inspiring things to it. It's to help me remember to focus on my goals and remember why its important to me that I don't backslide and fall into a rutt again. I'll post some pics when it's done!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chicken Drumsticks, Orange Peel and Salty Water

Sounds like a fab recipe for something, doesn't it? Actually, it just sums up my beach outing today- chicken drumsticks (me, my legs), orange peel (ditto) and salty ocean water.
After convicing my sister that I didn't care how others saw me on the beach, I waded far enough into the water for it to hit my waist. Since I am waaaay more bottom heavy than top (though my arms are pretty big too!) I felt comfortable with the bottom half of me in the water.
See, half my problem with sticking to a weight loss program is that my body image is so warped. I did not grow up overwieght. I was a perfectly healthy 12-14 till I had my first child. Although that was nearly 15 years ago now, I sometimes think my brain is still stuck pre-baby mode. Then, when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or a refelection in a window, I always get a shock. So, thinking I don't look as unhealthy as I really do, I go about eating whatever I want and never exercising (thankfully that's changed now, though). It was something of a reality slap to come home and jump straight into the shower to wash myself and my cossie off and see myself in the mirror, realising that's what everybody else on the beach saw. Don't care, be damned.
Glad I am doing something about it now.

Major Frustration

Thankfully, it has nothing to do with my weight loss or how its going.
I am back home again, with the kids, although I have a buffer in that my family are also here. I have been playing with my nieces and my little newphew, who at 10 mos is just gorgeous.
My frustration arises from my internet connection, which decided to disappear in the month I was away from home. I have a teeny incy laptop I am using, which picks up the network, but my main computer doesn't. Aaarrggh. Means I have not been able to do all the things I normally would online and I am feeling a bit lost without it!
Food choices have been great this week, I am happy regardless of what the scales might say. I have been making healthy choices easily and I'm happy about that. Don't know how long it will last, so I'm enjoying it for now, lol! :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Week 1 loss

Woo Hoo, a loss of 2.2. Makes me very happy. I know I won't continue with those numbers though, so I need to mentally prepare myself for smaller losses and not let them throw me off the wagon.

Ready for Autumn Goals, here I come!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Emotional Eating

Today was a day of challenges. Well, one challenge really, but it was a big one. My sister called me this morning to tell me that my Dad was in hospital. He'd had a heart attack. Luckily it wasn't too bad, his heart did not suffer and a couple of stents unblocked the artery. It was still a pretty big scare but.

In the past, emotional eating would have gotten the better of me. Today however, when I thought about eating chocolate, I was really surprised to find that the thought was almost immediately followed by a sense of horror. That was how my Dad ended up with a heart attack, by being overweight and having poor dietary habits. Did I want to go down the same path? I realised that this was a perfect opportunity to do things differently from the past. I knew I would be at the hospital for a while, so I bought a Sustagen drink and an apple. It kept me going till I got home again and had a proper sandwich for lunch (at 3pm)!

I am not foolish enough to think that I have kicked the emotional eating bug bear for good, but one of my habits to change is to learn from the past. Today, I proved to myself that I could do that. I could make different choices, ones that didn't include fatty foods. I chose food (from a servo!) based on what choices would be best to get me through the next fews hours and stave off a vending machine binge. I came home, very hungry, but rather than reach for the nearst and easiest thing to stuff in my mouth, I took the time to make a healthy sandwich that would sustain me properly. In all, I showed myself that eating properly, and being proud of that, could sustain me emotionally for far longer than the chocolate hit could before the guilt struck. I guess it really brings home the saying that "nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels".

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Leura Cascades

We went to Leura today, to do the bushwalk. We wanted to do Leura Cascades to Bridal Veil Falls, but just did the Leura one, which was hard enough!! Lots of steps and walking. It was very tiring but I really enjoyed it. The views were beautiful. I earnt 5 bonus points (not that I'm eating them). The kids loved it, there was not as many complaints about all the steps as I expected.

Only downside to the day is my hayfever, which is SERIOUSLY playing up. I feel dreadful. Nose blocked, face aching, head sore. Early night for me, I think. Anyways, here's a couple of pics of our day.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Getting back in the swing

I am finding it a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. I am tracking points, but I forgot how easily points add up. Even when you're eating healthy foods, the points can rack up easily. I am used to eating more throughout the day and I'm finding it hard to go with smaller meals. I am also finding it hard to ignore the non hunger related desire to eat, especially this time of night, when I normally go on a bit of a binge eat.

One of the things I learnt about changing habits is that I really need to learn from past attempts/mistakes. For me, that means really recognising that night time is a danger time. Which is why I am posting so much at night! lol. The other habit I need to work on is getting a handle on my emotional eating. While I am with my partner, I don't seem to have 'emotional problems' but getting back home, I know I will face that hurdle again.

I have been exercising some more, walking most nights with my partner and the kids. Today we went to the park (not that I did much) and tomorrow we are going on a bushwalk at Leura, to see the waterfalls. I am trying to get myself into a headspace where I keep up with the exercise once I get home. I don't necessarily like how I feel when I'm sweating, breathing hard and hurting (though I like that I am doing something) but I do love how it feels to come home and relax. I like that my muscles feel used and twitchy.

I am trying hard to also hit my fruit, veggies and water. I seem to constantly be achieving two out of three each day. My other mini goal for myself this week was to get proper sleep, but that hasn't been working to well. Still too many late nights, but not as bad as before. Seems to be playing havoc a bit with my digestive system.

I look forward to stepping on the scales this week and seeing what a difference it has all made.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Australian Reptile Park

What a day!! It was huge, it was long, it was tiring, but it was GREAT!! My partner, who absolutley adores ALL reptiles and arachnids, was in heaven, my kids had a ball and I loved spending the day with my family. I wish my 14 year old had joined us, but he's with his Dad and he rejected a day out in favour of sleeping in and computer time :(

The park is awesome. Anyone who is in the Sydney/Newcastle area (or visiting), I would STRONGLY recommend a visit. Clean, well organised and not too pricey ($61 for a family of four). You can bring your own food, use the bbq's or buy there.

My food choices turned out to be not so great- 33 for the day by the time I entered it into my tracker! lol. I thought I did ok, chicken and salad for lunch, multigrain roll, egg, grapes, low fat muffin made at home, chocolate drumstick ice cream 'treat', two coffees and pizza for dinner when we got home because we were all so tired (and I only had two slices). I was a bit shocked at how much it added up to, it goes to show you how easy it is to overeat and how unaware of my food and choices I am at the moment. Only good thing was the amount of walking we did- all over the exhibits, the park, the bush walks and standing around watching the shows. My calves ache today, a sure sign they were used more than normal! lol

Today I will be much more aware of my food choices. A quiet day at home, tidying and doing washing etc, I am much more aware of water intake and food. Salads and fruit!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I did it!!

Rejoined WW today- online this time, since meetings were not convenient or practical. So I've picked a method that hopefully will be, making it easier for me to stay on track.

I bought a 'motivational tool' today- the WW weight tracker scales. They were pricey- $100, but worth it as they track everything, weight loss, BMI, bone density, fat mass, water levels, heaps of stuff. Since I wont be attending a meeting, I am hoping that this will make it easy and motivating to track my weight.

I feel good about my decision (though I am feeling a bit off in general- easy not to eat too much when your tummy feels queasy!) I know that it won't be easy, that I get lazy and bored easily with WW and with slow weight loss in general, so I need this time to learn from past experiences and do things differently. Someone has as their signature on the WW boards an Einstein quote- "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result" (or something like that!) so this time, I am determined not to be insane, lol.

Actually, I feel a bit like it's do or die time. Either this time I make it work, or I never will. I have nothing to back up this feeling except that I have done this so many times before and not stuck with it, that I think I need to do something differently or I wont ever find the gumption to make it happen. This is my last year of uni, at the end of this year I will be looking for full time work. Although I'd like to think that my weight was not an issue in obtaining a job, I don't want to be doubting myself from the outset because I don't feel confident about myself or how I look. I know I am capable of the job I want, but I need to feel confident in myself. I am going to be a lawyer, it's a high profile, tough environment to begin with, without doubting myself over my weight.

Tomorrow we are off the the Australian Reptile Park at Gosford, a fun day full of reptiles, spiders and koalas, and LOTS of walking round the park. I promise to post photos!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ready for Autumn

I have added a new column to the right side- called "Ready for Autumn Challenge", it records the WW challenge I have joined, to reach a specific goal for Autumn.

I had a little success today. I had to see my ex when I picked up my kids, not always a very good experience and something that usually sends me heading for my nearest chocolate bar! Today, though, I didn't. I came home and had a sandwich for lunch and ignored the suger cravings till my anger and frustration passed.

I am such an emotional eater- name the emotion, I'll eat to it. Happy, sad, bored, frustrated, angry, restless, stressed, anxious, anything. The only time I don't eat is when I'm 'glowy' in love- you know, the first month or so of a new relationship. Once I get settled, my regular habits kick in. Unfortunately (?, for weightloss, anyway!) I don't fall in love every day, though I do realise every day just how much I love my OH, so I need to work on an alternative to emotional eating.

I am going to buy a yoga dvd and meditation cd, hopefully if I practice my yoga daily, (which I used to), I will find a certain calm and peace that helps me get through. Planning, I know, is a key for me, but I'm not the most organised person and I find it hard to keep an interest in planning, etc for more than two weeks. Something else I need to work on.

It's a start, right, that I can identify the things I need to change??

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Blogedy blog blog

For someone who didn't know what to say at first, I've really found my voice, haven't I??

A big hello to my new followers, seems kinda weird to think that people might read my ramblings! I hope you find something useful/inspiring here.

I have decided to rejoin WW. I have spent most of the day reading other people's blogs and stories and its really motivated me to DO something about my weight and my lifestyle.

I tried to set up my Wii character the other night, only to find that I left the cruical leg strap at home. It didn't work very well without it. Nevermind, I will fix it when I get home. I enjoyed what I did and it gives me confidence to set it up and make a start when I get back.

Now I just need to work on setting some goals. I have vauge ideas of what I want (lose weight, get fit, feel better, emotionally and physically etc), but I want to break it down to monthly goals.

Time to get my thinking cap on!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Do I, Dont I? Will I, won't I?

I'm hovering over the idea of rejoining WW again. I have joined so many times, only to lose interest by about February. Thing is, I know WW works, I've done it before, but before it was new, exciting and different. I know now what needs to be done, but making myself stick with it is really hard.

I consider all the reasons (excuses!) I haven't succeeded before:
  • I have no time for tracking and planning (lies, lies, I know I have the time, but I make myself busy doing nothing!)
  • It's boring (but so is staying home all the time and never going
    anywhere because I don't feel comfortable!!)
  • I have depression (but I know that if I exercise more, not only will that help lose weight, but it will help me depression)
  • I feel lonely, lost and isolated and that feeds my depression and comfort
  • I AM BORED. There are so many things I want from my life but seem
    unable to get (right away, anyway) and I have no patience, so even though I know time inexorably marches on, if I can't have it now, I get shitty, so I stagnate and do nothing and that's BORING!! (EXCUSES!!)

None of them really amounts to anything that would really stop me, but finding a way around that mental block is harder than I thought.

So, do I join AGAIN or not? I think I want to. . . .

Off now to create my Wii Active character finally.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A New Day

Almost 24 hours later and I still have no idea what I want to say! Its weird, and scary, trying to think of some intersting witticisms to fill my blog with. Unlike my diary, where I write till my heart's content, never worrying about its content, my blog is something I may someday make public and that makes me so much more aware of what I'm typing.

Skott suggested the title for me. When I asked him for ideas, he asked me what the blog was for. I told him it would be about my weight loss journey. It feels funny, uncomfortable and weird to put that out there. Weight, loss or gain, is such a private thing, that it goes against my nature to publicise it. I feel . . . embarassed, strange. But I'm hoping it also makes me feel more accountable for what I do. Like, if the whole world is watching, reading (how can the whole world be? I've not made it public . . . nevermind), then maybe I will be more mindful, more aware this time. I feel as though this will be the last chance I have, but I don't know why.

Anyhow, the point about the title, I realised later, is that 'finding me within' is not just about weight loss. Finding myself also relates to the journey I started a year ago, but placed on hold. The struggle to find myself, who I am and how I fit in my world. So even though the point of my blog is weight loss, I think my journey will be about alot more than that.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Start

I have created this blog and now I have no idea what I want to say. The whole world is listening and for once, I have no words!