I had one of those last night. No, I didn't need to use the toilet after! lol
I have often said that I don't like change. Thrown me out of my rutt and I get very narky. Make me move desks at work and I won't talk to you for a month. Tell me that my plans need to change and I freak out. I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. For me, change has always been bad. All the major (and some not so major) changes in my life have either been negative or have been accompanied by negative contexts. Things that should have been good but, for some reason, didn't work out to be.
My epiphany last night was- not liking change includes not liking or wanting to change my lifestyle habits. Losing weight means changing my lifestyle. Changing. And I hate change. No wonder I feel so resentful toward my efforts to lose weight- because they mean I have to change. And I don't want to change. I don't want to stay overweight, but I don't want to have to change my lifestyle to achieve a healthy weight.
Why? Well, my ephiphany unfortunately didn't include some momentous revelation of why and how to overcome it! Thinking about it, my best guess is because if I change, if I make my whole life different and achieve a goal weight, what guarantee do I have that my depression will have lifted and I will, finally, feel happy with my life. What if I change and the result is still negative?? I am *gasp* "happy" being lazy, because it allows me to wallow in my depression and not have to confront the things in my life that need to change (there's that word again) and the things that I need to accept responsibility for. Phew! That's a lot of self revelation.
So my next dilema is, what do I do now? How do I take this information and transform it into something I can use so that I can get myself back on track and being ok with making the changes that I need to live a healthier, happier version of me?