Well, it was the subject of Glee's episode this week and it's the subject of my week too.
I'll give it to you in a sentence "I'm in a FUNK" . . . "I'm feeling kinda ...FUNKY" . . . "I know I should be FUNKFUL ...well, ok, I made that up, but I think you get the drift!
I was writing in my journal the other night (still seems strange to me that I keep a journal AND a blog, lol) and I realised something- for over a year now, I have been writing to myself about how lost, directionless, rudderless, etc I feel. I feel depressed, lost. So I keep saying.
I talked to Skott about it and he pointed out to me something I thought I already knew but still didn't like having pointed out to me anyway- I eat to be in control. I feel like there are so many things out there that I can't control about my life, that what I put in my mouth is one thing I can.
Here's what I don't understand about my own logic. My weight makes me feel out of control. Other things in my life seem beyond my control. I eat to gain control, which has the effect of increasing my weight. Hence I feel more out of control. What I can't seem to make my brain understand is that I can control what I eat- regardless of whether that's healthy for me or not. But if I chose HEALTHY foods, then I lose weight, making me feel more in control of that too. However, I still chose unhealthy foods.
Skott suggested the reason I do that might be because I am punishing myself. Now, I have read a lot about that kind of thing. Feelings of low self esteem, not valuing yourself, feeling as though you don't deserve good things, so you eat and remain overweight and unhealthy because you don't think you deserve anything better.
I've never thought of myself in that way. As someone who subjected herself to culinary abuse. But I guess I do. Somewhere deep inside, I guess maybe I don't think I deserve to be happy and healthy.
I don't put myself first, because the last time I did that in my life I got it really, really wrong. It hurt a lot of people, especially my children. Which has made me feel very guilty. So guilty about putting myself first ever again. So I don't do it now, when I need to the most. Instead, I blame myself for what happened. I know it doesn't make sense to do that and that I harm no one other than myself, but I can't seem to help it anyway.
All of which has put my in a FUNK. I don't know how to get out of it. I have less than 11 months till the wedding and I need to find a way to "give up the funk".